With Valentine’s Day approaching, images of love and idealised relationships are everywhere. But relationships aren’t all roses and chocolates. Sometimes just talking to your partner can become fraught with difficulties and pitfalls. What do you do if the communication between you has fallen into bad habits? Here are some tips for improving the communication in your relationship.
 
It can be surprising to realise that, often, it’s not the differences between couples that cause difficulties, but the way they communicate and deal with them. Negative communication habits can include:
 
Not listening – ignoring your partner or cutting them off when they speak
 
Stonewalling – staying silent and assuming your partner should know what you’re thinking or feeling
 
Repeating demands – ‘nagging’ your partner about issues rather than discussing them together
 
Not taking responsibility – placing all the blame for problems on your partner and not accepting the part you play in them
 
Losing control of your emotions – shouting and using aggressive language to express your point of view
 
Not picking your battles – turning everything into an argument rather than letting go of the smaller things
 
Giving mixed messages – saying one thing while your body language is communicating another
 
Keeping score – continuing to raise past issues to justify your reactions and attribute blame for current problems
 
If any of these sound familiar, it might be helpful to start on the process of making changes by firstly thinking about whether or not you’re a good communicator. To do this, relationship support charity Relate have put together a quiz to help you work out your communication strengths and weaknesses.
 
Knowing your own communication style is the first step towards making a positive change in your relationship. From here, you can start to think about why you communicate the way you do and how you can make break any negative patterns. Ways to start breaking these habits and improving the communication in your relationship can include:
 
1) Making small talk – knowing the small details about each other’s lives can help to build closer emotional ties
 
2) Listening – showing that you’re hearing and acknowledging what your partner is saying by using both verbal and non-verbal (e.g. nodding your head) responses. Stop and give your partner your full attention while they’re speaking
 
3) Not making assumptions – being clear about what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling, not waiting for your partner to guess or assuming they already know
 
4) Being respectful - taking your partner seriously and not treating their thoughts and feelings as less important than yours
 
5) Saying what you need – addressing issues by talking about your needs (e.g. “I would like…”), rather than placing blame (e.g. “You don’t ever…”)
 
6) Being honest and open – ignoring things that are upsetting or annoying you in order to avoid conflict will create distance between you. Better to raise and discuss it in the moment so you can move forward
 
7) Staying calm – trying to control your emotions and discuss differences without shouting or using aggressive body language. Take time out if things start to become heated and return to the discussion when you’re each feeling calmer
 
8) Agreeing to disagree – acknowledging and respecting differences of opinion instead of fighting over who’s right. You won’t always agree on everything, and that’s ok
 
9) Being appreciative – taking time to remember what you love about your partner and to notice the good things they do, and then telling them. You should express appreciation more often than you raise issues
 
10) Letting go of the little things – focusing on the bigger issues rather than arguing over every detail. If something isn’t really that important, cut your partner some slack and move on
 
11) Making time for each other – having quality time together to connect and be open, and setting aside time for discussions about important issues so you can give them your full attention
 
12) Using non-verbal communication – touching your partner’s hand or shoulder, or holding hands can help to build and reinforce the connection between you
 
13) Focusing on the present – bringing up past actions or events, or issues that are off topic, can escalate discussions into conflict. Try to keep focused on the current issue and take time out of the conversation if this starts becoming difficult
 
Making changes to negative communication habits isn’t easy and sometimes it can be helpful to work with a therapist, either individually or as a couple. If you’d like some support with this, get in touch to make an appointment.

Today marks the start of Anti Bullying Week. Bullying is typically associated with school and the playground, but it’s something that can be experienced by anyone at any point in their lives. As an adult, how can you recognise bullying behaviour and what can you do to manage it?
 
Adult bullies will usually have a pattern of abusive behaviour. This behaviour may include:

• being verbally or physically aggressive
  
• being dismissive or ignoring
• using displays of power to intimidate or silence
• belittling
• undermining
• ostracising or excluding

 
Ultimately, these bullying behaviours are used with a desire to hurt another person and/or to gain a sense of power or control.
 
You may experience bullying from people you know at home, at work, in relationships, from friends or from social acquaintances such as neighbours. Or it can be from individuals you don’t know such as sales people or online trolls. Bullying behaviour doesn’t have to be done face-to-face. It can also happen by telephone, email, text message, letter and/or social media. And it can be carried out by groups as well as individuals.
 
Adult bullies can often be more subtle in how and when they bully others than childhood bullies. They may hide their behaviour behind public displays of kindness or generosity. Or they may be shielded by their authority, money or power. As a result, it may not be apparent to those around you that you’re being bullied.
 
If you experience bullying, there are things you can do.
 
1) Tell someone
 
Speak to someone you trust and let them know what’s happening. This can feel difficult to do as bullying can create feelings of shame, guilt, fear and embarrassment. You may also feel isolated from others and have reduced self-confidence and self-esteem. But continuing to be silent allows bullies to view their behaviour is succeeding. By regaining your voice, you are regaining control.
 
You could speak to a friend, family member, counsellor or to a confidential helpline such as the National Bullying Helpline. Additional sources of support for bullying in the workplace (depending on who in the workplace is bullying you) include colleagues, your line manager, the Human Resources team, a trade union representative or ACAS.
 
If you have fears for your safety you can also contact the police, a legal representative, or ring 999.
 
2) Keep a record
 
Keep a note of times, dates and places where the bullying takes place. And keep copies of written communication. This may be useful for any supervisory/disciplinary/legal proceedings.
 
3) Get witnesses
 
If possible, arrange for someone to be nearby when you know you’re going to see the bully, so they can see/overhear the encounter. Not only will this be helpful in any proceedings against them, it can also make you feel less alone.
 
4) Don’t react
 
Bullies often look to provoke a reaction. By remaining calm and in control you are removing a potential stimulus for their aggression and provocation. Likewise, being assertive will help to counter bullies who are looking to dominate and make you submissive to their demands.
 
5) Remember your rights
 
You have a right to feel safe and respected. You are entitled to have and to express your own opinions and needs. And you have a right to be happy. If another person is intentionally doing something that’s preventing any of these, tell someone and seek help and support. And remind yourself that no-one is entitled to control your life except you.

In counselling, the relationship between the therapist and client is usually referred to as ‘the therapeutic relationship’. Developing this bond is essential for therapy to be successful. But just why does it matter so much?
 
Why is the therapeutic relationship important?
 
People enter into therapy to explore a wide range of issues but all are looking to get support and, typically, to make a change. To do this they need to feel listened to and to trust they can share intimate thoughts and feelings with the therapist. For this to happen, there needs to be a strong, trusting and secure bond between the client and counsellor.
 
For some people coming to therapy, this may be the first time they have experienced a warm, non-judgemental relationship with another person – a relationship in which they are valued and listened to. Such a bond can foster openness by providing a sense of safety that allows the exploration of thoughts and feelings that can be difficult, painful or even traumatic to experience and share.
 
How is the therapeutic relationship built?
 
To create a successful therapeutic relationship, the therapist will typically provide three key components: empathy, genuineness and warmth[i].
 
By providing empathy (not sympathy), the therapist understands a person’s situation and the thoughts and feelings they are experiencing. In other words, they step into their client’s world and see things through their eyes. This provides a sense of being listened to and understood, developing a connection between the therapist and client.
 
The therapist will also display genuineness. This allows the therapeutic relationship to be built on the basis of openness and honesty, without fear of judgement. And there needs to be warmth and respect. The sense of safety this gives helps people to overcome any fear or trepidation they may feel about coming to therapy or about raising certain issues.
 
How to recognise an unhealthy therapeutic relationship
 
Occasionally, a therapeutic relationship may be unhealthy. Unhealthy therapeutic relationships occur when professional boundaries and ethics are violated. Sometimes the client can form a reliance on the therapist (or vice versa) and therapy isn’t ended at the appropriate time. Or one or both people in the relationship might overstep professional boundaries, either physically or verbally. This can include the therapist enforcing their personal or religious beliefs on the client, or making decisions on their behalf.
 
If a person experiences any doubt or negativity within their therapeutic relationship, they should try to raise it with their therapist. The therapist ought to be open to exploring the reasons for this and to working together to help overcome it. Or they may choose to end their relationship with the therapist and look for someone they feel more comfortable working with.
 
Ultimately, without a healthy connection between the counsellor and client, therapy isn’t going to be successful. The therapeutic relationship is at the heart of every counselling session, developing and strengthening over time to provide a secure foundation from which the client can explore their thoughts, feelings and actions, and achieve their goals.


[i] The key components (or ‘core conditions’) of a therapeutic relationship were defined by psychologist Carl Rogers, who developed the person-centred approach to therapy. This model proposes a client can achieve their goals if they are provided with empathy, congruence (genuineness) and unconditional positive regard (warmth) by their therapist.

With idealised romantic love portrayed in films and on tv, and the internet leading us to believe there is a ‘perfect’ match for us, are we searching for a level of perfection in our relationships that doesn’t exist?
 
This weekend I attended the annual BACP Private Practice Conference, which this year was on ‘Relationships: Why Do We Bother?’ A common theme of several of the talks was relationship expectations and the disillusionment we experience when we’re in a relationship. But why is this felt so often?
 
One possibility is the depictions of love we are presented with from a young age. Fairytales give us beautiful princesses and handsome princes who fall in love forever – no arguments, no compromises and no complications (once they’re married that is). But happily ever after doesn’t come without work, without reciprocity and flexibility. And it is this that’s lacking from the depictions of what a relationship is and what it needs to be positively maintained.
 
The increasing use of the internet to develop relationships also contributes to the idea of perfection, with dating websites claiming they can find our ‘perfect’ match. This fuels our quest to find a partner and a relationship with no flaws or imperfections. And yet the reality of a relationship is very different, and individuals and couples can end up coming to therapy because having a ‘good enough’ relationship feels like a failure.
 
Being in a partnership can therefore be interpreted as a process of disillusionment. What we imagine about our partner and about the experience of being in a relationship is often not the reality. And yet, does this make the quality of our relationships any less? Perhaps it is that we need to adapt our fantasies, to consider that ‘good enough’ may actually be ‘perfect’.